Y’know. I was gonna hide this blog, and leave it to rot, but after reading some friends blogs. I feel I need my own space to vent. I doubt anyone will read this, and that’s most definately a good thing. At the start of the new year, I was so happy. I started how I wanted to continue – with the person I truly love, happy and holding the belief that nothing could change that.

New Years Resolution – Not to let the little things get me down.

Shit. Failed that one.

I had hoped being at uni wouldn’t change anything, that I could cope with being appart from her, that all the shit that was going on back home wouldn’t affect my mood, wouldn’t make me feel jealous, wouldn’t get me down.

It’s not working, I cant bare to read about how she misses – and loves – these people who were supposedly my friends but would so easily stab me in the back. I know she has her own life, her own friends, her own space. I accept that. I wouldn’t take it away from her, ever. Why though, does it have to be the people who I introduced to her, who end up falling for her and causing so much shit. Not even mentioning one of the them discusing the positives of murdering me (the worrying thing is, he’s so fucked up in the head I wouldn’t put it past him). I cant get the thought out of my head that she is 200+ miles away spending the majority of her time with two people who both “love” her. Two people who would take any opportunity to take her away from me. I love her, and I cant get the thought of losing her out my head.

I lose sleep just thinking about how much I love her.

I accept some things will never change.
I just don’t want to worry. I trust her, I want her to ask how I know I can trust her, just so I can say that I don’t, but that is what trust is. (I am so gonna regret writting this if she reads it, I’ll feel like such a tit.)

Having at least one of them actively trying to break me and her up while I’m not there doesn’t help matters. Why cant he accept that he has missed (if he ever had) his chance, and just get over her, let her be happy. Let me be happy, don’t act like you’re my friend when you try to ruin what happiness I have.

You’re pathetic.

Fuck.

This’ll likely be the only post of a long time again.

Night.

So much shit right now.

I’m not writing a proper blog now because I will just rant. But basically, tonight has been retarded. I don’t even know what set me off but I’ve just been ranting so much.

Basically last few days proved that time doesn’t solve anything. I’m still not over… her. Yeah.
Meh.

I wont risk it like last time.

Neeyuh. So much hate for life right now.

Her eyes glaze over like she’s looking right through me… x

Hannahh. <333

I’d describe my own father in much the same way.

Is that just our lack of imagination or something else?

Hmm.

I’ve been trying to patch my mistakes. Imagine a boat, with a hole is. And you are holding a bucket. A relentless struggle to stop yourself from sinking – but you know it is an inevitable outcome. Despite this I am striving to improve, I’ve realised some things lately – more so been told some things. I am working on it. I promise.

I’ve also been told some things I like, “I love you too much to stop talking”. You know that feeling you get when you feel really fucking happy? Haha, I don’t know how to explain it. But that made me so happy. Brought back up again – that day was a bad day. Pah.

I doubt anyone reads this. But I really fucking like her. I’m such an idiot. Btw, Yes, you.

A7X made me smile earlier, I forget what song it was but I remembered Sonisphere. -smileeeeee-
I’m downloading their discography as we speak… sort of… I started the download… but had to pause it before I came into school because it’d kill my internet connection seeding – and thus annoy my mum who is working at home…

Shizzle. 28th of january? come round? or 29th. I think I’m free. I don’t know.

Hmm.

Do you still read these? I still look at yours – I know you said you gave up. But I am hopeful you’ll find something worth writting about – feelings?

Anyway, changing the topic to something less… well. Less.

Oh nevermind, I am tired. Going to read my computing book. Linked Lists – GREAT.

<3 x

I think this keeps me sane. I haven’t written since July, and I’ve had such a fucking rocky road, things keep going wrong. I cant seem to make anything last, my mind is actually caving in on itself. The clouds of confusion mock me, drifting ever closer encroaching on my consciousness- RUINING MY LIFE. Fucking hell.

Things would be so much better if I just had a job. If I could afford to take trains places and meet people.

I don’t really want to go through what has happened since I last wrote to you, I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I don’t know if I can deal with it after opening, showing you the truth, letting you feel what I feel. You control me right now, ice is the only footing I can find. Solid ground aludes me at every turn. I hate it.

Non fanno male a me. That is all I ask.

But yeah, Towning, will maybe get pictures for you guys maybe? I don’t know, I don’t know much anymore. : O HOLY CRAAAAP.

My wrist hurts like a bitch from a boxing match I had with Becca. I won but I must punched her funny.

AND she hit me in the fucking ear. Why the fucking ear, seriously.

Gah. I don’t know if my hearing is back yet. I went to sleep and woke up and cant tell anymore so nevermind.:)

Baiguys.x